Family estrangement is more common than most people think. In fact, according to one study, as many as 1 in 4 Americans report being estranged from their families (and that's just America). And this is something that becomes especially painful during the holidays: a time when many families come together, and it becomes clearer where the gaps are.

If you’re someone who feels that gap, or if you’re a parent hoping to reconnect with an adult child, I want to share what I’ve learned from both lived experience and my time coaching families through this exact dynamic.

I’m no stranger to estrangement. My relationship with my mother was strained for many years, and at one point, we barely spoke. These seasons were emotional and confusing, and at times I didn’t know if things would ever improve. But through slow steps, hard conversations, and a lot of honesty on both sides, things eventually started to heal.

Today, my mother and I have a close relationship and it’s something I’m genuinely grateful for. Healing didn’t happen because “time fixes everything.” Time doesn’t heal what you won’t look at. Healing happened because we were both willing to be honest with ourselves and to try. We were open to the work, and we both wanted a relationship. That willingness is the foundation of every repair.

The number one thing that keeps families from repairing

I know this one will be difficult to hear, but we have to have this conversation. Because when we don't face what is hard, it's impossible to repair.

And here it is: Pride is often the biggest barrier to reconciliation. This is because...

Pride keeps people defensive.
Pride makes self-reflection feel impossible.
Pride makes it easier to blame someone else than to look inward.

Research shows that 80% of estranged mothers blame a third party—such as a spouse, therapist, or partner—for the estrangement. This isn’t because they’re uncaring or malicious. It’s because the alternative... which is looking at their own behaviour, even when the harm was unintentional, feels overwhelming.

Most mothers parent with great intentions. They do the best they can with the tools they have. They sacrifice a lot. They try to give their children a better life than they had. So when an adult child pulls away, the pain feels unbearable and feels like it erases all of their efforts, love, and sacrifices.

In many families, especially immigrant families, emotional safety was not part of the parenting model. Children were raised through duty, obligation, and survival. Emotions were often dismissed, minimized, or seen as a weakness. Trauma wasn’t talked about. Self-reflection wasn’t modeled. So instead of looking inward, many parents look outward. They blame the therapist. They blame the spouse. They blame “outside influence.” This isn’t about being defensive on purpose. It’s about the collapse of their identity and the overwhelming shame and guilt that comes with realizing their child’s distance didn’t come out of nowhere.

But estrangement is rarely the result of one moment. It’s almost always a long pattern of emotional ruptures that were never repaired. A rupture can be something like:

• Not being heard
• Being told “you’re too sensitive”
• Being punished harshly
• Having emotions dismissed
• Being forced to share or comply without choice
• Being told not to cry
• Not having space to talk through conflict

These moments stack up over years. When there is no repair, the relationship eventually collapses under the weight of those ruptures.

What actually helps families heal?

Here are the three core ingredients:

1. Listening without defensiveness

   If you want to repair with a family member, they need to feel safe telling you the truth of their experience. The moment you correct them, defend yourself, or explain why “that’s not how it happened,” the door closes again. Curiosity creates safety. Defensiveness shuts the whole thing down.

2. Validating without excuses

   This means letting the other person share how something impacted them without responding with statements like the examples below. Even if you believe these things, saying them blocks healing. Validation is about acknowledging their reality, not defending your intention.
   • “I did my best.”
   • “You’re overreacting.”
   • “You’re too sensitive.”
   • “I don’t know why that hurt you.”

3. Taking accountability

   Real repair requires accountability and accountability is not the same as blame. It’s not about saying you were a bad parent. It’s simply about acknowledging the impact your words, actions, choices, or behaviour had... even when your intentions were loving.
   
   Intention is what you meant. Impact is what happened. Healing begins by addressing the impact first.

If you’re navigating estrangement this season, please know this:

You’re not alone.

This is one of the hardest emotional dynamics any family faces, but repair is possible when both sides are willing and when emotional safety becomes the foundation.

I’ll be talking more about this on Breakfast Television on Tuesday morning, and I’ll share the clip in my social channels afterward.

Sending you love and care. 💜

P.S. If you feel you want more support repairing family estrangement, I'm here. Feel free to reach out anytime and we can have a chat.