If your child is pulling away from you, and you’re not sure why, you’re not alone. Perhaps they’ve started repeating things that sound like they’re coming from someone else… They may seem more cold, distant, or angry with no clear cause.

Maybe your once-loving relationship has been replaced by silence or even hesitation to visit. If this sounds like your situation, it's possible you may be experiencing something called parental alienation. And it hurts deeply.

This post will help you understand:

• What parental alienation is (and what it isn’t)
• What your legal options are if you’re in Ontario (every jurisdiction have different legal parameters, it will be best to check in with a legal practice familiar with parental alienation in your area)
• What you can do, even in limited time, to support your child and protect your bond
• And how to move forward and support your child

What Is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation is a relational pattern that occurs when a child starts to reject or distance themselves from one parent, often due to the influence or behaviour of the other parent. This influence can be subtle or overt, intentional or unconscious, but the result is the same: the relationship between the child and one of their parents begins to break down.

It’s a complex and emotionally charged topic. Because of this complexity, there isn’t one single, universally agreed-upon definition among experts in the field. However, there are shared themes and patterns that show up consistently across research, legal commentary, and therapeutic work. I’ve outlined those themes below to give you a broader perspective, so you can better understand the complexities of what is currently considered as parental alienation and begin to assess whether what you're experiencing might be a case of parental alienation.

One thing almost every expert agrees on is this: parental alienation is a process, not a single moment or event. And it’s not a formal diagnosis (although some groups are pushing to make it one), instead it’s considered a dynamic.

Different professionals may focus on different parts of that dynamic. Some emphasize the child’s behaviour. Others focus on the alienating parent’s actions, or the legal and systemic forces at play. But across these different lenses, a few core themes consistently emerge.

Let’s walk through them together.

5 Common Themes to Understand About in Parental Alienation

1. One parent influencing the child’s view of the other

In many cases, alienation includes a set of behaviours by one parent that damages the child’s relationship with the other. These behaviours might include:

• Undermining the other parent’s authority or character
• Sharing adult conflict inappropriately with the child
• Encouraging the child to feel afraid of, angry at, or disgusted by the other parent
• Rewarding the child for rejecting or being cold to the other parent

Sometimes this influence is obvious, other times it’s subtle. Either way, the impact is very real and it often leads to confusion, mistrust, and pain for the child.

2. The child begins rejecting the other parent

One of the most common signs of alienation is a consistent rejection of the targeted parent, without a clear or proportionate reason. You might notice:

• Harsh or critical language that sounds “borrowed” from another source
• Flat-out refusal to visit or talk
• Strong, black-and-white thinking (e.g., “Mom is always mean,” “Dad never loved me”)

It’s important to note that children can feel angry or resistant for many valid reasons, such as past harm, misattunement, or developmental shifts. Alienation is more likely when that anger is disproportionate to their lived experience with the parent and fueled by ongoing external influence.

3. It’s Not Always One-Sided

Many experts caution against labeling alienation as a simple case of “good parent vs. bad parent.” In reality, it’s often a complex, multi-party dynamic involving:

• The child’s own temperament and developmental stage
• The alienating parent’s unresolved emotional wounds
• The targeted parent’s response (including possible reactions from pain or defensiveness)
• The role of the legal system, lawyers, therapists, and extended family

Alienation exists on a spectrum from mild discomfort to full emotional cut-off, and each case is unique. That’s why support and assessment from experienced professionals can be so important.

4. It usually emerges during high-conflict separation

Parental alienation often surfaces in the context of ongoing divorce conflict or custody disputes, especially when there is unresolved grief, anger, or fear.

Common contributing factors include:

• Lengthy or hostile court proceedings
• Attempts to gain sole custody or control
• Emotional enmeshment between the child and the alienating parent Using the child as a confidant or emotional outlet

Even without conscious intent, a parent’s pain can spill over, turning the child into a pawn or ally in adult conflict.

5. The child suffers most

While the targeted parent is often devastated, the greatest harm is to the child. When alienation takes root:

• Children may lose access to a safe and loving relationship
• They may internalize blame or feel trapped in loyalty binds
• Over time, they can develop anxiety, identity confusion, or difficulty trusting others

No matter how it starts, alienation disconnects a child from part of their emotional foundation. And that disconnection can ripple into adolescence and adulthood.

What Parental Alienation Isn’t

I often hear a concern from parents that they may be creating parental alienation when their children ask to stay with them due to attachment. So let's clarify this and be clear about what parental alienation isn't:

1. Parental alienation isn’t the same as a child having a stronger attachment to one parent at a given time

It’s natural for children to feel more connected to one caregiver at certain stages. This could be because of:

• Emotional safety or consistency
• Alignment in parenting styles
• Developmental needs (especially in younger children)
• They’re going through a developmental phase that makes transitions harder

A child wanting to spend more time with one parent, especially during or after separation, does not automatically indicate alienation. Children naturally gravitate toward the parent they feel attached to in the moment. It’s their intrinsic nervous system intelligence speaking for them. Just like adults, their attachment needs shift over time. Their preferences often reflect what they need in the moment, not a rejection of the other parent.

2. Not all resistance to contact means alienation.

Children may resist seeing a parent for reasons that are very real to them, even if those reasons are hard to see or hear. This might include:

• Past trauma or inconsistent behavior that hasn't been repaired
• Feeling dismissed, criticized, or unsafe with that parent
• Sensory or emotional overwhelm during transitions
• Unresolved ruptures in the relationship

In these cases, what looks like “alienation” may actually be a child protecting themselves or asking for repair and reconnection through their behaviour. That’s why a careful, trauma-informed approach is essential. We don’t want to label a child’s emotional boundary as alienation when what they really need is healing and connection.

3. Parental alienation is not a medical diagnosis.

Most experts agree it's better understood as a relational and systemic issue, not a syndrome. That means there’s no one-size-fits-all solution and no checklist that automatically applies. Each situation requires careful assessment and deep context.

A Note on Language

Words matter, especially when children are caught in the middle. Using the term “parental alienation” without context or nuance can escalate conflict, reduce trust, silence your child’s real experiences, and harm the very relationships we’re trying to protect. It’s vital to approach this with care, context, and support.

What You Can Do Legally

If you believe you’re in a situation involving parental alienation, here are some important steps to consider.

1. Talk to a family lawyer in your jurisdiction who understands parental alienation

Every jurisdiction has different legalities related to parental alienation and family law. It is always best to speak to a family lawyer in your jurisdiction to understand your legal rights. Not every lawyer is trained to spot or work with alienation cases. Look for someone who understands how these dynamics unfold and who can help you navigate what’s happening.

2. Document everything

Keep a calm and detailed log. This might include:

• Changes in your child’s language or behaviour
• Missed or cancelled visits
• Emails, texts, or messages from your co-parent that feel undermining
• Any third-party observations (e.g. teachers, therapists)

Documentation can help bring clarity if things escalate or if you need to go to court.

3. Don’t retaliate

I know it’s tempting to “set the record straight” or to flip the script on your co-parent with your child. But avoid speaking badly about your co-parent to your child, it will only add to their confusion and pain. Let your steadiness and presence speak louder than your words. I will share more about what to do, say, and how to support your child through this difficult time later in this post.

4. Explore legal and therapeutic options

The courts may recommend:

• Reunification therapy
• Parenting coordination
• Adjustments to parenting time
• Supervised visitation

A good legal team can help you understand your rights. The sooner you seek support, the better.

What You Can Do To Support and Connect With Your Child

Even if your time is limited with your child and if they seem distant or guarded… You can still have a deep impact on your child.

Know that your child wants a connection and relationship with you. They also want a connection with their other parent. Children are biologically hard-wired to attach for survival, safety, and love. But when they're caught in conflict between caregivers, that drive can become confusing and even paralysing. They may shut down emotionally or side with the parent they fear the reaction from most. Because it feels safer in the moment.

Sometimes, the fear of upsetting one parent or facing their anger, guilt-tripping, or withdrawal is so strong that it overrides the desire to stay close to the other. This isn’t rejection. It’s survival. And it’s why your steady, loving, and safe presence matters more than ever.

Below is a summary of the top things you can do with your child here, but for a more thorough guide, I have my book, Parenting Through Divorce: The 3 Keys to Building Unshakable Bonds With Your Children.

Let's start. Here’s what to do with your child:

1. Rebuild Their Self-Trust

Children in a parental alienation situation often stop trusting themselves. They’re pulled between two realities and may have learned that love and loyalty aren’t safe to express. You can help them reconnect with their own inner compass.

If they tell you something disparaging about you from the other parent, instead of defending right away, start building up their capacity for critical thinking and assessment of the situation themselves first.

Try asking:

• “How did that feel for you?... That must have been hard to hear.”
• “What do you feel about that?”
• “It’s okay to feel more than one thing. Two things can both exist and still be true.”

Validate what they are feeling. Show them you are steady and prepared to have the conversation with them. Let them know their truth matters. Even if it’s messy... especially when it's messy. Even if it’s different than yours or your co-parent's.

2. Anchor safety in your presence

In my book, I talk about the 9 Principles for Creating Safety. I won't go into all nine here, but know that even if they don’t show it, your child is scanning for cues of safety. As a result, your steadiness matters.

Do your best to:

• Notice what is coming up for you when you hear or notice something from them about their other parent, or something the other parent said about you and emotionally regulate yourself. 
• Stay open to the difficult conversations and be calm while talking to your child. This is to signal that you are okay with them talking to you about these difficult topics.
• Avoid trying to "fix" your child and their feelings, and rather stay curious to understand and connect with them
• Build in rituals to connect with your child

You don’t need to force closeness. Your loving presence is enough.

3. Build up your child's autonomy, empowerment, and critical thinking

I have exercises that I teach in my coaching practice designed to support a child's autonomy, self-trust, and critical thinking. Doing these exercises with your child, will introduce the permission for them to adjudicate situations and the things they are told through their own lens and what feels true for them. 

✦ “Not True” Exercise

Often, when something hurtful is said to a child, they do not have the emotional or developmental capacity to attribute it to a source external to them. Instead, they internalize it as something wrong with them. Children don't believe what they are told because it's true, they believe it because they don't know it's not true. This exercise was created to introduce the idea that there is a possibility that some of the things that are told to them—even if it is an adult speaking—may not be true. That they have your permission and backing to consider what is true for them and it is their choice whether to accept someone else's perspective. 

I have a series of videos that explain the exercise with examples of what you can say and use as examples with your child. You can find that playlist here. 

✦ “I'm The Expert” Exercise

I will create videos explaining this exercise as well. It is fully laid out in my book if you prefer to reference this exercise there. However, the basis of this exercise is to work with your child on understanding that they are the expert of them, their body, and their feelings. That no one knows more about them and how they feel than them. You start with a simple question:

"Who knows if you have an itchy elbow?"

"Is it you mom? Your dad? Grandma? Your teacher?"

"You? It's you? But how do you know?"

"Can someone tell you it's not itchy?"

"But how do you know?"

Then you work up to hunger, a hurt knee, a sore throat, hurt feelings. Over time, it becomes natural for your child to understand that they really are the ones who know what they feel and it doesn't matter if someone else says they aren't hurting, if they feel they are. This can help them develop the critical thinking to consider the impact of someone else's words and opinions and the possibility that it is an opinion but it doesn't always make it true by default.

4. Remind them you’re there for them

Your child may seem more cold or angry. They may even push you away. However, despite that, they still need to know that you haven’t left. Your love didn’t disappear and your heart is still open to them.

Let them know:

• “I’m here if you ever want to talk.”
• “I love you, no matter what.”
• “I’m not going anywhere.”

The Power of One Safe Parent

Studies show that one functional, healthy parent increases a child's resilience exponentially. You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be present.

Even during these hard times when you are feeling at threat of being erased, dismissed, or shut out, you are still your child’s parent. You are still part of their emotional blueprint. And will be your presence, and calm, steady love that will become the rope they use to find their way back.

Keep showing up.
Keep holding space.
Keep trusting that connection is being built in those micro-moments and can be repaired.

If you need support, I’m here. Please don't hesitate to reach out. 💜